Understanding
by NeverSleepNeverDie
Summary: Follow-up of Whisper To A Scream (Gigantic Update!)
1. Preview Chapter

It was cold in the room she was in, very cold. Off in the distance, she heard mumbling. Someone was talking to her at a mile a minute. But her thoughts were else where. She was daydreaming...about being anywhere but there. Five minutes later, the voice stopped. She snapped out of her dream coma.  
  
"Er, sorry," said Ellie Nash. "No problem, Ellie. How has school been going for you?" asked Ms. Sauve. "Fine. I guess." Ellie didn't want to be getting lectured in this dusty, sunlit room. She wanted to cut, if she wanted to..she wanted the ability to die, only if she wanted to. Why did someone have to try to stop her? Why did Paige have to interfere? "Well, our time is up for today." Ellie stood up, grabbed her backpack, and practically run out of the room. She didn't say goodbye, she didn't look back, she just left.  
  
"I don't want to be controlled", she mumbled to herself. "You can't control me. You can't. You won't. Why won't everyone just leave me alone..." 


	2. Chapter One

I woke up in my bed, noticing the sheets were stained with..blood. I almost freaked out, but then I realized it didn't matter. It's not like my mom cares or even comes into my room to check up on me, no, she's too busy drowning her pain with booze. My dad is still in Kabul and won't be back for another few days or so. It didn't matter, it wasn't urgent. But it triggered me. I looked down at my arm, covered in light scars and red lines. I breathed in deep, trying to calm myself, to get rid of this weird, nagging craving. Just as I reached for something sharp, my alarm clock went off. I jumped, and the compass went flying. It hit the wall with a loud clank, and I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I waited for a noise, for someone to say, "Ellie what happened?" until I realized that no one in the house would care. Ha. Lucky me, right? Right.  
  
I rolled out of bed and looked out the window. It was a warm sunny day. No clouds in sight. How was I going to pull off wearing something that would cover the cuts? I opened my closet door and threw things around, trying to get a burst of inspiration, to figure out what to wear, how to avoid getting caught, to avoid getting even more stares and harsh comments than usual. Eventually, I put on a pair of fishnet stockings, black boots, a denim skirt with an attached skull belt, and a snug black t-shirt. I dug around for some clean arm warmers, ones without blood stains, and finally found one last pair. They were white. I cursed out loud, admitting to myself that even if I really needed to, I couldn't cut in school today. The blood would stain those damn white arm warmers so easily, it would be covered in it.  
  
"I better cut before then," I said to myself. "Just incase I need to later..this should last for a while..", I tried to convince myself. I took out my razor (the compass's edge was becoming dull fast) and brought it up to my left arm. I hesitated, only for a couple of seconds, then sliced. It stung and I felt myself falling to the floor, feeling relaxed and slightly dizzy from the rush of relief. My breath was entering and leaving my chest in long gasps, my heart pounding from the wonderful feeling. I didn't even need a big reason to feel better anymore. I could be basically happy but still get a rush of relief. I didn't understand it, and I didn't care. It didn't scare me. It didn't worry me. It was my ..friend. Always there for me, even without a reason. I loved it. It loved me as well, didn't it? Well, of course it did, it helped me through my bad moments.  
  
Soon, I stood up and suddenly looked at the clock. "Oh no!" I was late. Again. I ran to the bathroom, turned on the warm water, and washed my arm. It stung and I felt even better. But I couldn't be distracted this time. I was late. I didn't want to lose my co-op job! I put on my arm warmers, forgetting to put gauze on the wounds. I quickly threw my things into my backpack, along with the razor and compass, and hurried downstairs.  
  
I glanced at the sofa, where I thought my mom would be. Sure enough, there she was. "Mom..I'm going to school now." "Mmm."  
  
Mmm?!? That was all she could say? I sighed and walked out the front door. It was a long walk to school. I walked past some familiar houses along the way. Paige's. Ashley's. Marco's. Emma's. "Oh uh", I thought to myself. "Emma is late to school too? Great."  
  
"Ellie!", shouted Emma. She waved with a huge grin on her face. I forced myself to smile, a weak smile.  
  
Could she tell? I don't think so because she told her mom to stop the car and she hopped out. Literally. She hopped.  
  
"Ellie, hi!" I smiled again, that same weak smile. "Hey." "Oh my gosh, you're walking to school? That will take forever!" Didn't I know it. "Do you want a ride? Come on, it'll be fun. My mom and I are going to go pick up Sean anyway. With his sprained ankle, he can't exactly walk well..no matter how hard he tries to fake it.." "Sure" I blurt out..just to make her shut up. God, how can one person talk so much? I want quiet. I want to be alone, but I can see that isn't going to be happening today. Hesitantly, I walk over to her mom's car. "Oh hello..Ellie is it?" says Emma's mother. "Yeah." "Oh well nice to meet you, Ellie." I smile and say, "You too." I let Emma get into the car first and then I slide in.  
  
"So...where do you live Ellie?" "Several blocks away." "Wow, that is a long walk! Aren't you tired?" "Not really."  
  
I lied. I was tired. Probably from the loss of blood.  
  
"Okay, here we are!" said Emma's mom. Emma got out of the car to go get Sean, and I was left alone with her mom. I felt a slight draft on my upper arm and noticed the arm warmer was slipping down. I quickly tugged it back up before Emma's mom could catch a glimpse. "What grade are you in, Ellie?" "Uh..tenth." "Are you a good friend of Emma's?" What was I supposed to say to that? I barely knew Emma. She's just generally nice to everyone and anyone. "Um..I guess."  
  
Wow, today is a good day for lying.  
  
"Well..not really." Emma's mom laughed and said, "Yes, Emma is just so sweet to her classmates. Oh look here she comes now." Emma and Sean were walking to the car. Emma was talking as usual, and Sean was nodding his head. Pretending to listen? Maybe. He did have headphones on. I could hear the music from here. The car door opened and Sean sat down. Emma sat in the front seat, next to her mom. Sean nodded at me, so I smiled again. What was with that damn smile? Even I am sick of it. Sean said, "Ellie..right?" "Yeah. Ellie." "Hey." "Hi."  
  
That's all we said for the rest of the car ride. 


	3. Chapter Two

I mindlessly thanked Emma and her mom for the car ride once we arrived at the school. Emma, Sean, and I got out of the car and started walking up the stairs to the front door of the school. Emma and Sean started talking about dolphins or something. I wasn't really paying attention and only nodded my head once in a while so they wouldn't notice. We were already pretty late, about thirty minutes or so. We approached the office desk and asked a school worker for three late slips. The woman asked for a signed note. I started to panic, because I knew that I could lose my co-op job. Emma looked at me and said, "Relax, okay? I have a note." Emma gave the woman the note and we waited for our late slips. The woman looked at the note for what seemed like an hour, until she finally gave in and handed us our late slips.  
  
"What class do you have right now, Sean?" asked Emma. "English class," grunted Sean. "Yeah, me too," I said. Emma laughed and said, "Oh well, I have math, so see you guys later!" Sean said bye, and I just nodded. At least I had stopped smiling. We reached the door to English class, and Sean said "Can't wait to hear Ms. Kwan lose it." I opened the door and we walked inside.  
  
Ms. Kwan stopped what she was doing and looked at us. "Guys, you are late." "We know," I sarcastically replied. Ms. Kwan frowned and said, "This is serious. Ellie, you could lose your co-op and Sean if you have one more detention you could get suspended." I handed Ms. Kwan the late slips and she told us to take our seats. I looked around for Ashley and found her sitting right behind Paige. Great, I thought. I can't sit near Paige! She's going to be asking me stupid questions about how I'm doing. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. "What?" I said quietly. "El, sit down before Ms. Kwan gives you a detention," said Ashley in a serious voice-even for her. I bit my lip and finally sat down.  
  
"Okay class, one by one I will ask you to get up and read your poems," stated Ms. Kwan. I started to panic again. I completely forgot about the damn poem. I quickly opened my backpack and looked around for my journal. I had poems written in there. I could just rip one out, change the date, and use it. While looking for my journal, my backpack accidentally tipped over. The compass fell out. As fast and quietly as I could, I snatched it and stuffed it back into the backpack. There was a spot of blood on the floor. I tried to ignore it and decided if someone spotted it, I would just pretend it was my time of the month. Gross but effective, as proven by Manny who had gotten hers a couple of months ago. My hand brushed a material that felt like leather. I had found my journal. Lifting it out of the backpack, I turned the pages frantically, trying to find a suitable poem that I could get a good grade for.  
  
"Ellie Nash," called Ms. Kwan. I looked up, ripped out a poem, and walked up to the front of the classroom. "Okay..um..well, it's called..No Labels." I cleared my throat and right then and there I wanted nothing more than a trip to the bathroom with my friend. My razor. My compass. Anything sharp and for the most part, sanitary. Instead, I started to read.  
  
"We label what we don't understand. Labeling, branding, and calling. We are all humans, we are all here. Personalities vary but descriptions stay the same. We label what we can't accept. We label to make ourselves feel different. We label to herd all of us into little groups, little cages marked with pointless words. This world can change; it needs to change. To become a world without labels will be our ultimate triumph." I lifted my head from the piece of paper, shocked. I wrote this the first day I started going to this school. It wasn't even that good. Why did I have to pick this poem?  
  
Ms. Kwan cleared her throat and said, "Wow. That was impressive. Very direct. A+" I gaped at her and walked back to my seat. I got an A+ for this shitty poem? That was impressive..  
  
Soon, the bell rang. Ashley and I walked out of the classroom. "So, why were you late El," questioned Ash with a worried tone of voice. "I got distracted. I was busy writing that poem." Ashley looked at me and seemed even more worried. Maybe even disturbed. "El, you know you didn't just write that. You showed that to me ages ago." Oh-uh. She was right. I did show it to her during the summer. "Well, I had to fix it up, you know. I wanted a good grade." "Sure." I could tell Ashley didn't believe me, but she wasn't going to pry. The bell rang again, it was time for lunch. As we walked to the cafeteria, my arm warmer started to slip down again. I noticed almost right away and fixed it immediately. Paige was gaping at me. Great. She must've seen. "Be right back okay? I'm going to go buy some lunch," Ashley said. "Okay," I managed to choke out. I knew what was going to happen while Ashley was away. Paige was going to happen. 


	4. Chapter Three

Paige started to walk over to me, with her mouth wide open. I looked around, trying to find a way to escape. I started to walk away, and Paige ran towards me. She grabbed my arm. "OW," I shouted. All of a sudden, everyone was quiet. You could hear a pin drop, as cliché as that is.  
  
Paige looked around and yelled, "What?" A lot of people went back to talking and eating, but it was still quieter than it should be. I was uneasy, because I knew that some people would be able to hear our confrontation. "Paige," I whispered. "No. No Ellie. You don't get to just walk away this time. I thought you were getting help."  
  
My throat was suddenly dry. I felt tears forming in my eyes. "Let go of my arm," I demanded through gritted teeth. "No. Not until you tell me why you are still hurting yourself," challenged Paige in a harsh tone.  
  
"LET GO OF ME," I shouted. I was crying now, tears sliding down my cheeks, dropping lightly on the floor. I twisted out of Paige's grasp, opening a few cuts along the way. I held onto my arm, trying to cover up the blood that was quickly covering that damn white arm warmer. I was scared, really scared. People were watching. They knew. I could tell. And if they didn't, the people who did know would fill them in. "Thanks a lot," I said venomously as I hurried out of the cafeteria, my shame leading the way.  
  
I walked past lockers or walls, maybe both, I couldn't really tell them apart anymore. It was all just a blur of colors. I had stopped crying, but my eyes were still blurred from the tears. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. I was beyond panic, beyond freaking out. I had lost all sense of reason.  
  
What can I do? They all know now. They think I'm a freak. They know. God, they know.  
  
I pushed open the door to the girl's washroom, after fumbling with the door knob. As soon as I walked inside, I fell down onto the ground. I was crying again. I was a mess. My once white arm warmer was completely red now. Crimson from blood. I realized I couldn't leave the washroom. I couldn't just hold my arm and cover up the blood anymore. There was too much of it. I couldn't take off the arm warmer. The cuts and scars would be visible. Not to mention the blood.  
  
I reached into my pocket, feeling for the razor. It wasn't there. "Damn," I muttered. I looked around the washroom. What was sharp in here? Something had to be sharp. Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed the paper towel dispenser. I stumbled over to it. I gently touched it, as if to see if it was sharp enough. It was. This would work.  
  
I took off my left arm warmer, and held my arm up to the bottom of the towel dispenser. I brought my arm down and moved it across, at least two or three times. Just as the calm started to kick in, I heard something. Voices. Oh no, oh god. I hurried over to a stall, walked inside, and shut the door. I closed the toilet seat, and sat on top of it. I made sure that any part of my body could not be seen from the bottom of the stall door.  
  
"Ellie?" said a voice that sounded just like Paige. "Do you think she's in here?" said a voice that sounded remarkably like Ashley. "Oh no," I thought. "Ashley knows. What will she think of me?" The shame set in even more. I was humiliated. I noticed how quiet it was all of a sudden. Then I heard Paige talking. "Look. There's blood."  
  
I froze. I held my breath, and froze. I forgot to clean the towel dispenser and the floor.  
  
"But maybe it's not from her! Maybe someone just had their period," said Ashley, always the sensible one. "Hun, a lot of kids have their periods. The difference is, they generally don't use the towel dispenser as a tampon." "Maybe..," Ashley trailed off. "No maybes, Hun. You can try to convince yourself all you want. Ellie was here and she hurt herself again."  
  
I felt so weird. Like I was out of my body, listening to them decide my fate.  
  
"That's it. I'm going to get the principal," muttered Ashley. 


	5. Chapter Four

I wanted to run out of the stall and shout, "No! Don't tell the principal!" But I didn't. I couldn't face them now. I knew that if they told the principal, I could lose my co-op job. I hoped that Ashley would realize that and not report this. I should have been scared, but I wasn't. I wasn't. That would have scared me even more, but I was too numb to feel anything. I was numb. And I loved it.  
  
While they were talking about what to do, I inspected my arm. The cuts had almost stopped bleeding, but my arm was covered in blood. I looked down at the arm warmer I cradled in my right hand. I brought it up to my arm and used it to wipe the blood off. Now, the arm warmer was completely red. Oh well, at least it matches my belt. I slipped it on. It was soggy and wet with blood, and I tried not to retch.  
  
I blankly stared at the stall door, until I realized that no one was talking anymore. I slowly opened the door and peeked out. The washroom was empty. Good. I walked over to the sink, and stared at the paper towel dispenser. The entire side of it had drops of blood splattered all over it. I heard the bell ring. Lunch was over. I waited I thought the hallway and cafeteria would be deserted. Holding my left arm against my chest, I finally left the washroom. I stared at the floor as I walked, lost in my thoughts. "Hey," I mumbled. Someone had bumped into me. I raised my head and saw..Sean. "Oh, hey Ellie."  
  
"Um..hi..," I wanted to run away but I didn't. Something made me think that Sean wouldn't freak out like Paige had. He reached out to my arm, and gently brushed the soaked arm warmer that had turned into a wrist warmer. "You're hurt," Sean said in a worried voice.  
  
"What? No, um, I'm fine." I put my arm behind my back in an attempt to hide the damage.  
  
"What happened at lunch?" asked Sean. It seemed like he really cared. I was shocked. Why would he care about me? Ha. Emma must have told him to be nice or something equally disturbing.  
  
"Nothing. Paige won't leave me alone. She thinks she's my mom or something," I said trying to laugh it off. I shook my head and laughed some more, a fake laugh. But Sean didn't know me well enough to be able to tell.  
  
"Uh..Ellie, that ain't nothing. She hurt your arm." Why was he pressing the subject?  
  
I tried to avoid staring into his eyes. They would give me away.  
  
"Not really. I'm fine. I'm going to go. Late for class," I said in a rushed voice. I wanted to get away before he had a chance to find out what had really happened.  
  
"Okay..bye," Sean said while walking away. I let out the air I had been holding. He didn't figure it out. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe no one in the school knew. I looked at one of the clocks on the wall. It was later than I thought. As the calm feeling started to wear off, I remembered that it was time for gym. I giggled out loud for a second, realizing that this was good. For the first time ever, I was glad that I had my gym uniform.  
  
I walked over to my locker, grabbed my uniform, and went back into the washroom. As fast as I could, I changed into the uniform that I had hated ever since I arrived this school. It was yellow and fading. Chunks of dirt covered the track pants, and there were grass stains on the sleeves. I glanced at myself in the mirror, and sighed at my messed up reflection. My hair was falling out of the braids, strands everywhere. The eyeliner I was wearing had stained my cheeks a watery grey, damn those water-proof claims. I was trying to make myself look at alive, when the bell rang. Great. I had missed gym.  
  
Kids were laughing, shouting, gossiping. They filled the hallway in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, the washroom door opened.  
  
I rushed over to the stall, feeling a sense of dread. I kept the door opened a crack, so I could see what was happening.  
  
"Yeah, totally," laughed Hazel. She looked at herself in the mirror, and said "Hey, do you have any toilet paper?"  
  
"Um, Hun, we are surrounded by toilet paper in here. Go get some yourself," smirked Paige as she reapplied a coat of lip gloss.  
  
Hazel was walking over to the towel dispenser. No, no, no.  
  
"Ew," she shrieked. She jumped backwards, and I almost laughed at her fear of something that I trusted and loved.  
  
Paige turned around to see what Hazel had screamed about. "Oh. Yeah."  
  
"What..what is THAT," Hazel said with another loud shriek.  
  
"It looks like blood, hun." Paige went back to admiring herself in the mirror.  
  
My stomach felt like a bunch of bugs had crawled in there and had made themselves at home. I was nervous. Paige wouldn't tell on me..would she?  
  
"Oh my god! Someone got hurt? Oh my god! Do you know who it was?"  
  
"I probably shouldn't say," whispered Paige as she trailed off. Hazel grabbed Paige's shoulders and lightly shook her. She looked directly into Paige's eyes, and demanded, "No way! You have to tell me! Who was it?!"  
  
"Look, it doesn't matter okay."  
  
I couldn't believe it. Paige wasn't blurting it out. This was wrong, this isn't normal.  
  
"Geez Paige. I would think it was you who hurt yourself on that thing," Hazel said with a smirk as she tightened her shoe lace.  
  
"What? Hun, fine, if you must know.."  
  
No. No, no, no, no NO. Paige was going to tell. Paige wouldn't defend me, what was I thinking. I started to panic again. My heart was racing, my eyes filling up with tears.  
  
I looked around the stall. Nothing was sharp in here. I was almost about to run out of the washroom stall just to get my hands on that towel dispenser, when I glimpsed something sharp in the trash. A razor. Not just a razor, a brand new razor. Even through the plastic case, the silver glinted at me. It was begging me to use it.  
  
I reached into the trash and grabbed the package. Quietly, I tore it open and tried to get the razor out of the plastic.  
  
"It was.."  
  
"YES? COME ON! Paige, I have to know!"  
  
I finally got the razor free. I rolled up the uniform sleeves, and looked at my left arm.  
  
"Ellie..okay? It was Ellie."  
  
I raised the razor to my upper arm and brought it down, again and again. I didn't even stop when the blood starting dropping onto the floor.  
  
I could hear Paige and Hazel, off in the distance. They were talking about me.  
  
I caught snips of conversation:  
  
"OH MY GOD! Is she going to report it?"  
  
Paige's reply. "No. She did it on..on purpose. Weird, huh?"  
  
Hazel's gasp of a reaction. Her shouts of disbelief.  
  
I looked at the floor, the blood was beginning to spread. That didn't stop me, I had to continue. I cut more, deeper. Harder. I was beginning to feel light headed. I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted it all to go away. All of it..to go away..  
  
I fell off of the toilet seat, and slumped to the floor. I just missed landing in the small, shallow pond of blood. The last thing I remember hearing before I blacked out was, "Oh my god. Ellie. ELLIE!" 


	6. Chapter Five

I slowly opened my eyes. Immediately, I had to close them. Everything was white. A much too bright white. I groaned and tried to sit up, but something forced me back down. Where was I?  
  
Almost as if to answer my question, someone said, "It's okay, Ellie. Just relax, okay?"  
  
I blinked and finally was able to open my eyes again with squinting. "P- Paige?" I stuttered.  
  
"Hun, relax. You fainted or something. You were bleeding a lot, but it stopped thank God." Paige kept looking down at me.  
  
"Paige..leave me alone. I'm fine." I finally managed to sit up, and I stumbled to my feet, leaning on the wall.  
  
"You are not totally fine! Look at you! God, Hazel, hun, go get a teacher or SOMETHING." Paige was shouting now, obviously freaked out. Hazel ran and did as she was told, she is such a sheep.  
  
I shrugged her off, and regained my balance. "No, I'm fine. I'm late for class." Feeling slightly lightheaded, I walked over to the washroom door. I reached for the door knob and turned it. I felt someone grab my shoulders. "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I don't want you getting into this!"  
  
Paige turned me around. "What is your problem Ellie. How can you be so blind? Look at the door knob! Look at the wall! You are leaving blood everywhere you go, does that tell you that something is WRONG?"  
  
"Yeah, Paige. Something is wrong. You." I pushed her off of me, and run into a stall. I shut and locked the door. Paige was banging it on, but I tried not to notice. I changed out of the gym uniform into my regular clothes, arm warmer included. I waited until the banging had stopped, and I walked out of the stall. Paige was there, just standing, just waiting. I glared at her and left the washroom.  
  
I walked down the hall, ignoring the stares, the gasps, the points. The gossip, the rumors, the laughs. The shouts of "Hey, vampire whose blood did you drink?" I knew that my arm warmer was still covered in blood. It didn't matter to me. I would just change when I got home, which was somewhere I planned on going right now. I walked aimlessly for a while. Then, the bell rang. Kids starting rushing into their classes, one bumping into me. "Ow," I whispered. I stood outside of Mr. Simpson's class, frozen. He was staring at me, he wouldn't look away. His mouth was wide open and I heard him yell out something. Something about being right back. I walked past his classroom, and went to my locker. I had to get my backpack before I left school. The house keys were in it.  
  
I lazily attempted to open the combination. I banged it out of frustration, and knew that tomorrow I would have another injury. This time, a bruise on my palm. I sighed and finally got the damn locker open. I grabbed my backpack and pulled it out of the locker. I slung it on my back and started walking towards the exit. On the way out, I passed the nurse's office. I decided I would stop by and ask for some bandages. We were all out at home, and I couldn't exactly go to the store looking like this. I hesitated briefly and then walked inside the nurse's office.  
  
"Can I help you miss?" asked a middle aged woman, wearing an orange jacket. It reminded me of a grapefruit. Which reminded me of my dad. He had always loved grapefruits.. I sighed and snapped out of my daze.  
  
"Um, yeah. I hurt my arm on something in the washroom," I said softly, not meeting her eyes.  
  
She walked towards me and said, "Oh my goodness, you're bleeding! Let's see how bad it is."  
  
I backed away and looked at my feet. "No, I'm fine. I just..um..I just need some bandages, please."  
  
"One bandage isn't going to fix that! It looks like a serious injury, we might have to call 911 if it is as bad as it looks," said the nurse persistently.  
  
I finally looked up at her. "No really. I'm fine. Just..a bandage please."  
  
"Ellie, how hard is it to find you. Are you alright? What happened to your arm?" I spun around and saw Mr. Simpson. No, no, no.  
  
I smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just hit my arm..on the sink, in the washroom. Really hard. So I'm here for a bandage. That's it."  
  
Mr. Simpson looked at the nurse, who in turn shrugged.  
  
"That's what she told me," said the nurse.  
  
"That's a lot of blood for a washroom sink incident, don't you think Ellie?" It was Paige. No, no, no, no, no.  
  
"LEAVE ME ALONE! Stop following me, Paige! You aren't my mother! I'm fine, you need to just go away," I screamed.  
  
Paige looked at Mr. Simpson, who frowned.  
  
"Paige, what do you mean by that? Shouldn't you be in class?" inquired the ever so nosy Mr. Simpson.  
  
"This is more important than class, Mr. Simpson, don't you see? Ellie has been hurting herself!"  
  
As soon as Paige said this, I started to break down. I had to leave. I wasn't going to get any bandages here, all I was going to get is accusations and nightmares. I attempted to leave the nurse's office, but Mr. Simpson stopped me. He looked directly into my eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to stare back.  
  
"Is..is that true? Have you been hurting yourself, Ellie?"  
  
I felt one single tear slip down my cheek. Mr. Simpson put his hand on my shoulder, he was being gentle and caring, but it hurt anyway.  
  
I couldn't help it; I winced loudly.  
  
"Sorry." Mr. Simpson took his hand off of my shoulder immediately. "Ellie, it will be okay. But we have to know for sure. Have..have you been hurting yourself? Intentionally?"  
  
"I'm fine. I'm going to be late for my co-op job." I wasn't going to let him take this away from me. I wasn't going to let anyone take this away from me. My control, my outlet, not to mention my dream job. If he found out, if I admitted it..besides, I wasn't hurting myself. I was just..making myself feel better. That's all.  
  
"Ellie, get over that stupid job okay? You're hurting yourself! You passed out in the washroom, your arm thing is covered in blood! I thought you were getting help from the counselor!" screamed Paige, trying to defend Mr. Simpson.  
  
Mr. Simpson looked shocked. "Is that true, Ellie? Did you pass out in the washroom?"  
  
"No, I just got a little lightheaded. Must be the flu."  
  
"ELLIE!" shouted Paige.  
  
"Paige, just stay out of this okay?" I was starting to get angry.  
  
Mr. Simpson wouldn't stop asking me. "Ellie, you're bleeding a lot. That's why you passed out isn't it? If you're hurting yourself, it's okay, Ellie. We'll get you some help."  
  
"I'm fine, Mr. Simpson. Really." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ms. Sauve.  
  
No.  
  
No, no, NO.  
  
Paige called out to her, and Ms. Sauve soon was in the nurse's office with Mr. Simpson, Paige, the nurse, and I. I sat down in the nearest chair, feeling more lightheaded every second.  
  
"Hello, Paige. Hi, Ellie. What can I help you with?" asked Ms. Sauve.  
  
Mr. Simpson said, "Well, I don't know how to say this. Ellie came in here looking for a bandage. Her arm is bleeding very heavily. She says she just hit it on the sink accidently. Paige says Ellie has been hurting herself, and that she hasn't stopped. Paige said that Ellie passed out in the washroom, but Ellie denied it."  
  
Ms. Sauve gasped. She walked over to the chair I was sitting in and kneeled down. "Ellie. I thought you had stopped doing this to yourself."  
  
Mr. Simpson shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. He knew it was true now. Great. 


	7. Chapter Six

I shook my head, trying to block out the noise. Paige had gone back to class, and Mr. Simpson, the nurse, and Ms. Sauve were talking about what to do. The nurse had given me immediate medical attention, and while my arm now mildly stung, it had stopped bleeding completely. Every time I had tried to sneak out of the nurse's office, I was stopped. By now, I had given up. I was stuck, and I was caught. I wondered if they were going to tell my mom, and then I realized that it wouldn't matter. She wouldn't care. Of course, they might tell my dad. As soon as I thought about my dad finding out, the urge to cut struck again. I was literally shaking as I bit my nails, trying to resist. There was a letter opener on the desk next to me. If I was quiet enough, I could reach out and grab it, and no one would know. But I tried not to think about that.  
  
Eventually, Ms. Sauve pulled up a chair and sat down next to me. "Ellie, Mr. Simpson has to go back to his class now, and the nurse is going to help someone else. It's just you and me. No one is listening, okay?"  
  
I pretended to ignore her.  
  
Ms. Sauve sighed and continued on. "Ellie, I must admit, I haven't had much experience with self-harmers. But the most critical thing is that we keep talking. I contacted your mom. She must be out, she didn't answer. However, I would like to arrange a meeting with your mom, you, and myself. We can try to figure out where to go from here. How does that sound?"  
  
I tried not to laugh in her face. Instead, I just nodded.  
  
"So right now, how about we talk?" I nodded and she went on.  
  
"So what really happened in the washroom, Ellie?"  
  
I shrugged, avoiding her gaze.  
  
"Did you cut yourself?"  
  
I sighed and finally spoke. "Why do you care."  
  
"Because that's my job, Ellie. I'm here to help you, to help every student. Because cutting yourself is very dangerous. You could bleed to death, or pass out like you did. Paige is just trying to help, she did the right thing. She isn't your mother, and she may not be your best friend, but she cares. She cares because she doesn't want to lose you."  
  
"You're joking. Paige doesn't care about me. She just wants my co-op job, she wants to make me miserable."  
  
"Ellie, if you are hurting yourself, you already are miserable. Paige just wants to help, and this is her way of doing that."  
  
I couldn't believe Ms. Sauve was defending Paige like this. Paige has always been rude and mean to me. Why would she all of a sudden just start caring? Not possible.  
  
"Yeah," I said quietly. I just wanted to be left alone like I usually am.  
  
"Can I see your arm, Ellie?" asked Ms. Sauve  
  
I looked at her, a little bit shocked. "Why?"  
  
"I want to see how much our talks have been helping. If they have at all." She raised her hand and hovered it above my arm.  
  
I took off the arm warmer and slowly peeled off the thick, blood stained bandages. I heard Ms. Sauve mumble something that was supposed to be comforting, I guess.  
  
"Oh my god. Ellie! Paige, told me you were in here, what happened? Did you get hurt?" said Ashley in one single breath.  
  
I didn't know what to say. I was floored. Embarrassed, scared, surprised, ashamed. So many feelings I wanted to cut out, but I couldn't. Not right now. Not with Ash and Ms. Sauve here. Ashley looked back and forth from me to Ms. Sauve. We were all being quiet, stunned in different ways I guess. No one was saying anything, so I took a breath and said it myself.  
  
"Nothing really happened. I just..tried to feel better." I couldn't look Ashley in the eye, so I stared blankly at the wall behind her.  
  
"What..oh no. Ellie, you never told me." Ms. Sauve got up out of the chair and Ashley took her place.  
  
"It's not a big deal."  
  
"Yes, it is. You're my best friend! I can't lose you." Ashley was staring at the cuts and scratches on my arm. I put my hand up to my arm and covered it.  
  
"Ellie, why are you doing this?" Ashley was asking me this? Ashley? I thought she would understand. But she didn't. She had never been where I was. She had never loved a knife.  
  
"I..I guess it's because..it's the only pain..I can control.."  
  
"You know, I cut myself once."  
  
I looked up in shock at Ashley's open admission. "No way."  
  
"Yeah. It was a long time ago. When Jimmy called me a slut. The cut was an accident but it felt good. It made me feel better."  
  
"Jimmy called you a slut?" I was disgusted at Jimmy all of a sudden.  
  
"It's a thing of the past. Anyway, I guess I never cut again because I didn't want to have to depend on an object to feel better. I had to make my soul feel better before I would let an object control my moods."  
  
I nodded but I didn't really understand.  
  
"Look, Ellie. There are rumors going around. People are saying..well people are being really rude. If you want, I can set them straight."  
  
"What are they saying? Specifically?" I had to know. I just had to.  
  
"Jimmy said, 'What a weirdo. I always knew she was insane.'"  
  
"What else," I demanded loudly.  
  
"Things like that. Even parents know. Emma's mom came down to the school to comfort Mr. Simpson. He was really upset about this. I don't know why, but Emma didn't really understand why anyone would do this to themselves. So Emma's mom and Mr. Simpson are arranging this assembly to discuss.." Ashley trailed off nervously.  
  
"WHAT? No way. They are going to talk about me? In public? About this?" I started to panic, I needed something sharp right now, I needed to brush it against my skin. I needed to feel the metal kissing the skin, biting it. I didn't just want it anymore, I desperately needed it. I needed to feel my pain go away in the small stream of blood coming from the wound. I needed to watch it, I needed to lose control and yet gain it at the same time. I stood up and looked around frantically.  
  
"No. Ellie, no! They aren't going to talk about you, just about this issue. In general. Ellie, what are you doing?" asked Ashley in a rush.  
  
I grabbed that letter opener I had stared at earlier. I clutched it desperately in my hand, not letting go. I heard Ashley calling out to Ms. Sauve. I wanted to cut but I couldn't. Not with them there, just looking at me, staring, waiting to see what I did next. To see if I would do it in front of them. Instead, I just held it, feeling the sharp edge against my palm. It felt familiar and it comforted me, just a little. Ms. Sauve told me to put the letter opener down and when I did, she said something very quietly about how I was improving bit by bit and about how I would get eventually get completely better. But why couldn't anyone see? If 'getting better' meant not releasing my pain, then I wanted to stay ill forever. Forever. 


End file.
